


I Promise I'll Finish

by Kanrose



Category: THE iDOLM@STER
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/F, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:08:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22273834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kanrose/pseuds/Kanrose
Summary: Everything's been collapsing onto Chihaya. More and more, she feels buried by her own emotions and work. There has to be a reason behind it. Perhaps, though, that reason is closer to her than she suspected.
Relationships: Amami Haruka/Kisaragi Chihaya, Hagiwara Yukiho/Kikuchi Makoto
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	1. A Beautiful Escape Outlet

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! Here's a sapphic idolm@ster fic I've been brewing up. It takes place after Chihaya's breakdown during the anime series, but before Haruka's. Time doesn't really matter when idols are being gay, though. If she idol... she gay. Enjoy~!

The more tiring the day, the better the reward of arriving home.  
  
It’s easy to not feel guilty about crashing if no one is around to see you do it. Work had been nearly endless for the last few months, and although that sounded like a good thing, Chihaya had recently started to envy those few and precious moments alone. It had been photoshoot after photoshoot, recording session after recording session, and even the most resilient part of Chihaya, her voice, felt like it was at its end.  
The hallway, the pile of mail on the table she hadn’t bothered to read through yet, even the food she bought the day prior- it was all blurry and nonexistent in her eyes. The only thing that was of any importance to focus her vision on was the bed. And with a slam on the mattress, the comforting embrace of a pillow was more than enough for her consciousness to relinquish control, and sleep overtook her. 

She awoke in a daze. Her dream was empty, there for a moment and gone the next, and pulled at parts of her she failed to remember for more than a few seconds after waking. Glancing at the window, blinds half closed, she could see it was already pitch outside. For a moment, she considered letting herself fall back asleep and catch up on more missing rest, but there were other things calling to her. The texts she’d likely accumulated on her phone as well as a panging hunger were motivation enough to sit up. She may as well have been knocked out. She laid on top of the mattress, her shoes were still on, and she hadn’t even bothered to pull her tie off. 

After a change into more comfortable nightwear, she put a pot of water on the stove and veritably collapsed onto the couch. Noodles for dinner, yes, that’s certainly low effort enough. She flicked on the TV for a little bit of background noise as she opened her phone and began to scroll through her texts. 

_Producer; plans for next week?_ ... It could wait. The last thing she wanted to do right now was get up to grab her planner and hastily sketch out her deadlines, stressing her further. 

_Kotori- reminders…_

_Ritsuko… outfit plans…_

Isn’t there a single text that’s not about work? Ah- texts from Haruka. Reliable Haruka. Details about her day are always welcome; apparently she filmed for a commercial… a spring clothes line- perfect for her. She had been texting a lot, which likely correlated to a slow train ride home, Chihaya presumed. Among them was a selfie of her and her box lunch on the set- adorable, of course, as always. She got up and began texting back as she managed her cooking as best she could. Which wasn’t very well, really, but nobody said dinner had to look pretty right now. As she hit ‘send’, she wondered if Haruka would even still be up, or if she’s been as busy as Chihaya was. 10 PM is a bit too late for an early bird like Haruka. Nonetheless, a response came almost immediately. 

“i bet you were really booked today, huh? i hope its not too much for you! (´・ω・`),” Haruka correctly guessed.

She laughed it off.

“Homework will have to wait another day, I suppose. ; ),” Chihaya replied.

They played back and forth for a while, both of them urging the other to do work that they were much too busy for. Joking about the stress helped it peter out, however slightly. It occurred to Chihaya that it had been more than a few weeks since the last time she even _saw_ Haruka; it seemed that their schedules never lined up. The realization hurt at her core- Haruka was her best friend, but they’ve barely had any time to speak, let alone be together. Her fingers seemed to move on their own, typing out, 

“Haruka-chan… when is your schedule open? I think I’m starting to miss you.” and sent. 

Immediate regret worked its way through Chihaya, but she didn’t understand why. It’s not wrong to miss someone… but she didn’t want to impose, after all. Days off are better spent relaxing than making even more plans… right? Before she had time to let that regret truly set in, she got her response. 

“aw, chihaya-chan! i miss you so much, too! i just checked- im not free tomorrow but i am the day after that! is sunday okay for you??? ^ ^;;” 

Chihaya’s eyes lit up and she rushed for her planner. Whoever was watching her from above must have been on her side, because the column for Sunday was assuredly blank. She didn’t need to speed through everything, but she was simply too excited to not have hurried hands. 

“I’m completely free on Sunday, too! Would you like to do something together?”  
“yeah, of course! ^w^ you know, theres this movie ive been wanting to see for a while... can we see it together? its called ‘sunset with the tides’. what do you think?”

“Yes, that sounds wonderful! I’d love to!”

“okay, i looked it up. the only showing on sunday is at 10 am. i know its a little early to have to get up on a weekend, so do you still want to? its at the downtown theater, so that might be a little far for you...”

“No, don’t worry at all, that’s fine! See you there?”

“mhm! see you there, chihaya-chan! *~ <3 ~*”

Chihaya paused.

“<3”

She flopped back onto the couch and sighed. The logistics didn’t matter. She would have gotten up at 5 in the morning if she had to. Her face flushed red; she already couldn’t hold back her excitement. That was a nice note to end on, yes. Not wanting any more interruptions tonight, she set her phone to silent mode, finished what remained of her supper, cleaned up, and got ready for bed. As she tucked herself in under the covers, her mind wandered more. She was so thrilled to be hanging out with Haruka again, it almost felt like the worries of her work were behind her. Despite it being nearly 12 AM, her anticipation kept her up. Finally, time to herself… and time with Haruka. She flicked off the light, rolled over, and thought. Thoughts about work, thoughts about singing, thoughts about her best friend. Her thoughts became more and more vivid and fanciful until they seamlessly merged into dreams.

_“Chihaya. Chihaya. Chihaya-san-chan-sama-chansansamachansansamachan. You’re not going to make it, you know. You’re too scared to do anything? Oh, dear, Chihaya. You’re so silly.”_

_What?_

_“What do you mean, me? No, it’s you.”_

_… What are you talking about?_

_“You know what I mean. What are you going to choose? Passion, or love?”_

_… My love IS my passion!_

_“Would you have said that a year ago? When you sung to sing, and sing to be sung?”_

_What are you saying?!_

_“You know. Shut up already. You’re going to be very, very late…”_

_Late to what?_

_“That’s your path. All of them. They’ll all know! Miki, Yukiho, Makoto, Ritsuko, Producer, Haruka, Haruka, Haruka, Haruka, **Haruka, Haruka Haruka Haruka** ” _

“ **Haruka, Haruk**...a…?” 

Chihaya awoke with a start. 

Haruka’s name was the first thing out of her mouth, but she was already feeling so foggy. Did she have a dream… or a nightmare? She could barely even remember. The only thing she retained from her dream was a deep red blooming in her vision and calling out for Haruka. … Knowing that, it might not be best to dwell on it. The light coming through her window was strong. A lot stronger than usual. … Oh no. She checked her phone. 12:30 PM?! She wanted to punch herself. She was so absorbed in her excitement last night that she had forgotten to set her alarm. She was going to be terribly late… her photoshoot was in an hour! She uttered curses to herself as she rushed out of bed and jumped into the shower, not able to stay and enjoy the hot water for a while as she usually did. No makeup right now… the people there would apply some for her, anyways. With her hair still in a mess, she ran out of the door and to the bus station. 

“Hello? Hi, producer-san. I’m terribly sorry, but I overslept this morning. I’m going to be about thirty minutes late to the shoot … I know … Yes, I’m very sorry … Could you please? … Thank you so much … Yes … I’ll be there soon. I’m so, so sorry … Okay … Bye.”

… Well, that was awful. Part of the cost was spent on the time renting the location, and Chihaya had driven that up by being late. The producer didn’t seem angry with her, but he wasn’t very happy either. 

Eventually, she arrived, and after being scolded further, went off to prepare. Two women sat her down and buried her in all sorts of makeup products, covering up her flaws. Making her slim, gaunt face look fuller, making her dreary eyes look rounder, her small lips bigger and sexier, and putting contour on her chest to give the illusion of cleavage… She never felt like she was looking at herself when she saw these kinds of photos afterwards. No one else had to go through this much for their photos, she thought. She was sure she hadn’t ever seen Takane actually put on any makeup at all. Was she uglier than the other idols, she wondered, as the photographer told her to squeeze her arms and push her breasts together. “Smile!” she’s told, but it hardly felt like a smile at all. They loved it, though- said it made her look sexy and pouty. She flashed a glance at the producer, and he nervously gave her a thumbs up and smile. Why does a 16 year-old have to look sexy and pouty, she wanted to ask him. After a few more poses, she was done, even though it felt like an eternity. She stripped herself of the gaudy dress they made her wear and washed off her makeup. Looking up in the mirror after that didn’t feel good. As she went to leave, the producer called out to her. 

“Ah- Chihaya-san! I still have to wrap things up here, but just head back to the studio for now, okay? We still have about an hour until we start recording, so don’t worry, alright?”

“Right. Um… See you there, producer-san.”

That’s odd. She didn’t even remember having to record today. Was this last minute? Nonetheless, she ordered a cab back to the production studio and used the drive there to think. Just think. Maybe she just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, but there was so much still on her mind. Not much of it good. Reassuring herself, she remembered Haruka. Even if today wasn’t her day, she would make sure to have fun tomorrow. Haruka… That might be her motivation summed up. Haruka was the one who convinced her to return to 765 Productions in the first place, after… well, _that_ whole scandal. Haruka was selfless, caring, and never gave up on Chihaya. Even if work was strenuous, Haruka could encourage her. Haruka was… her- 

“Okay, miss, we’re here.”

Chihaya was forced out of her daydream. “A-ah! Right. Um… here you go. Thank you so much!”

“No problem. Have a nice day.”

“You too!”

… What was she thinking about, again?

The studio was pretty empty today. It made sense- it was a weekend after all. Everyone would be busy with their own little missions all over the place. Miki, Makoto, and Yukiho were in the main lounge room, and greeted Chihaya colorfully as she entered.

“Ah, good morning, Chihaya-san!” called Makoto.

“Good morning…!” followed Yukiho, cuddled up against Makoto.

“G-Good morning, everyone, although I don’t know if it could be called morning right now.”

“It’s morning whenever we decide it’s morning, so it doesn’t really matter,” rang Miki, who then pointed boldly at Yukiho and Makoto. “But, anyways, look, look! I was just thinking right before you came in … Aren’t they _so_ cute together? Don’t you think so too?” 

Yukiho broke out into a fluster. “E-eh?! N-no, it’s not like that! I’m just… a little tired from recording is all!”

Makoto looked puzzled and a little lost. “... Huh? Yukiho-chan, you don’t have to be ashamed of u-”

“ **M-Makoto-chan**!! Not right now…!”

Miki burst into laughter. “See, Chihaya-chan? I told you!”

Chihaya conceded a smirk. She set down her bag and took a seat on the opposite side of Makoto and Yukiho. “You know, Haruka-chan does the same thing to me, Miki-chan. You shouldn’t jump to conclusions.”

Yukiho curled up from embarrassment, but Miki just stared at Chihaya blankly. 

“... You mean… You and Haruka-chan aren’t…?”

Now it was Chihaya’s turn to crumble. Her face flashed visibly red, and she tripped over her words. “Ah- Eh?! N-No, I mean, um, so to say, well…! What would make you think something like that?!”

“Well… after that whole mess a few months back, I thought something had to have happened, right? And… you two spend all your time together! You look at her with total googly eyes, Chihaya-chan!” 

Chihaya sighed, her blush coming down slightly. “Maybe you DO read into things too much, Miki-chan. Haruka is a wonderful girl, and without a doubt my best friend, but…”

Yukiho lifted her face from her hands. “I-It’s not just you, Chihaya-san. She’s been doing this to everybody! The other day, Azusa-san and Takane-san were eating lunch together, and she jumped in on them and started asking really weird questions! I saw the whole thing myself...”

“Hmph! I just know when I see chemistry! It’s a skill of mine, don’t you know?”

“... Is that really a skill, or just being intrusive?” Makoto chimed in.

“And, well, we’re idols! We’re all girls, for one, and idols have a role to fulfill. I couldn’t see Haruka-chan like that- it wouldn’t be faithful to my job or hers. G-Girls don’t normally do those kinds of things together.”

“Hmmm…” pondered Makoto, “I get your point about our jobs, Chihaya-san, but… What does being girls have anything to do with it? I get love letters all the time at my school, and they’re all from other girls. Ah… Maybe it’s just normal to me at this stage? I mean, when I look at Yukiho-chan-”

“D-DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD, M-MAKOTO-CHAN!!!”

Miki and Chihaya both laughed in harmony. Maybe Makoto did have a point, but even _if_ Chihaya did like other girls, she wouldn’t put her career in danger like that. If word got out… No, she didn’t even want to think about it. Suddenly realizing she didn’t get time to eat this morning, she excused herself and prepared a small lunch with the food in the shared refrigerator. It wasn’t much, but it would have to be good enough until she got home. She ate and talked with the others, but perhaps she talked a little too much, as it was time to start recording before she even properly finished her food. 

She donned her headphones and sang the lyrics into the large mic of the sound booth. Her voice felt rather flat today, though, and she attributed that to how tired she was. Maybe she just couldn’t concentrate, with so much on her mind. Still, the people in the recording booth sang her praise, telling her how somber, distant tones suited her voice perfectly … Did they really? It didn’t feel right. But, like earlier, she supposed she didn’t need to be too concerned about that right now. Being an idol is her passion, but… some days are just ones you have to dredge through, even if you’re doing something you love. And dredge through she did. When everyone was satisfied, she made her way back to the lounge to ready her things. Upon opening the door, she saw Yukiho wholly in Makoto’s lap, asleep. Makoto smiled at Chihaya and put up a single finger to her lips. Keep quiet. Chihaya took a seat and spoke in a whisper.

_“Long day, hm?”_

Makoto nodded. _“She still has a lot to do, so she’s resting while she can.”_

 _“Don’t we all. Where’s Miki-chan?”_  
_“Ah, she left. She’s shooting an advertisement…”_ Makoto pondered, _“I think it was for some makeup brand. I’m sure we’ll see it.”_

_“And what of you?”_

_“Aha, I’m actually free today. I just came here to be with Yukiho-chan so she wouldn’t be alone. It makes her feel less anxious.”_

Chihaya paused. _“Ah- Hm… I see… Um, do you suppose I could ask you about that?”_

Makoto tilted her head at Chihaya. _“Ask what, Chihaya-san?”_

 _“Well…”_ Chihaya’s cheeks grew pink thinking about it. _“Is… is what Miki-chan said…?”_  
_“Oh!”_ Makoto’s eyes widened in surprise. _“About Yukiho and I dating?”_

Now, Chihaya’s whole face had been overtaken by blush. _“A-ah…! I mean, um, she never said dating in particular, um…-”_ _  
_ _“It’s okay, Chihaya-san. It’s true.”_  
_“... E-eh?!”_

Makoto brought up her finger again. _“Shhh…”_ she ushered, gazing down at Yukiho. _“... It feels like it’s been a while… But it’s actually only been a week or two, haha. … We did a cameo in some drama show together. I don’t even remember the name of it. The big twist was that everyone thought Yukiho-chan’s character was dating a boy… but she was actually dating_ **_my_ ** _character. We faked a kiss onscreen. You couldn’t tell if you saw it, though. It looked real. And, well… it felt real, too. It wasn’t like I hadn’t ever been close to her like that, though! It just… was close in such a weird and intimate way. I couldn’t look her in the eye after it. Isn’t that strange? Just looking at her felt too romantic. I never felt anything like it. I started thinking about that fake kiss of ours when I laid in bed at night. I realized that I wanted more of it. Ah- I hope that doesn’t sound weird or anything, Chihaya-san... “_

_“No- no, not at all…”_

_“It was love. I didn’t know how long I’d been falling in love with Yukiho-chan, but I knew it was definitely there now, no doubt about it. Maybe I wish I wasn’t so blunt with it, though. I went to her house the next time I could, and when we were just sitting together, I was suddenly able to look at her clearly again. I noticed all kinds of little things! The sparkle in her eyes, how soft her cheeks looked, how full her lips were… Ah! I didn’t mean to trail off again… but… taking in all of that was an experience I couldn’t describe. I started speaking, and I said what I wanted to say all that time but couldn’t get myself to.”_ _  
_ _“... And what was that, Makoto-san?”_

 _“Without a second thought, like my words came on their own, ‘... Can I kiss you, Yukiho-chan?’ … And she was scared, nervous, and startled… But she said… ‘Yes.’ ”_ _  
_ _“M-Makoto-san, that’s…!”_

_“I know, right? It was risky, it was in the moment, and it was probably pretty stupid, huh? I knew from the second I asked it that I might be putting our careers on the line, but…”_

_“But?”_  
_“But, well, that’s what love is about, isn’t it? Not being afraid to love someone, no matter what. I’ll always love Yukiho, even if it means losing my career as an idol one day. I’ll find a way to make it work, because it’s Yukiho I’m working for.”_

Chihaya got emotional for some reason, but she didn’t know why. _“Makoto-san… I had no idea.”_

Makoto giggled. _“Then we’re doing a good job, aren’t we?”_

Yukiho began to stir in Makoto’s lap. She slowly rolled over, and opened her eyes. She smiled, looking at Makoto, but then, upon noticing Chihaya, panicked.

“EEP! UM, CHIHAYA-SAN, IT’S… it’s not what it looks like!!!”

Makoto and Chihaya shared a laugh together, and Makoto reassuringly began to stroke Yukiho’s hair. “It’s okay, Yukiho-chan. I told her everything, and she understands.”

“ **_E-Everything?!_ ** ” 

“Ah- well… not _everything_ … but…”

“Makoto-chan! It’s supposed to be… a secret!!!”

“Ah- Don’t worry, Yukiho-san,” Chihaya waved her hand, “... I’m very good at keeping secrets, you know.”

“Chihaya-san…” Yukiho looked as if she was going to cry. “... Thank you. I... trust you.”

“Thank you, Yukiho-san. It’s all I ask for … Well, I came here to get my things and get ready to go home, so…!”

“Oh! Have a safe trip home, Chihaya-san!” Makoto said, waving, as Chihaya got up and headed towards the door.

“B-Bye, Chihaya-san!”

“Bye, both of you. See you soon, hopefully!” she called, closing the door behind her.

The ticking of the clock gave the room solace from absolute silence. Its movement felt indicative of nothing- time faded when Yukiho and Makoto laid together. Yukiho could hear Makoto’s pulse in her lap, and after her thoughts petered out, she finally broke the stillness.

“... Say, Makoto-chan?”

“Hm? Yeah?”

“Well… Miki-san guessed correctly about us without even knowing anything…”

“Maybe she really does have a talent for it, then, huh?”

“W-Well… maybe… in that case…”

“Mmm?”

“Do you think… Azusa-san and Takane-san…? And… Chihaya-san and Haruka-san…”

Makoto grinned and couldn’t help but blush, at least a little bit. “... Who knows? I think… we’ll just have to see, won’t we?”

Yukiho leaned into Makoto’s chest, gripping onto her shirt. “... Y-Yeah!”

* * *

Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Chihaya sat in her room, twiddling her thumbs.

_Click._

_“Hello?”_

“Haruka-chan?”

_“Ah~! Chihaya-chan! You have great timing, I just got home. Let me just... ah, okay, I’m sitting down now. How was your day?”_

“I think I’ve definitely had better, aha…”

_“Aw, that’s okay! After all… tomorrow, I’m going to make sure your day is AMAZING!”_

“Y-...Yeah!”

_“Mmmm… What should I wear? They say it’s going to be sunny all day… but it might still be cold! Do you think I look like I’m overdoing it if I still wear a coat, anyways?”_

“No, not at all! I think your coats are all very pretty. I was thinking of dressing a little heavy, too. I can always drop a layer when we’re inside, after all.”

_“Mhm! We’re going to look so cute!”_

“Ahaha… Yeah…! …”

_“...”_

“Hey… Haruka-chan?”

_“Mm? What’s on your mind, Chihaya-chan?”_

“Can I ask you some weird questions?”

_“Eh? Nothing you ask is weird, ok?”_

“Okay… Okay. Um… what kind of things do you think make me look best in photoshoots?”

_“Oooh! That’s a good question! I thiiiiiink… nice, formal things! Vests, shirts buttoned up all the way, office style jeans… things like that fit you really well! You give off such a professional vibe! I think you look the best when you’re not trying to be shy or pure or all that- being you is enough! Be strong, keep your back up straight, and … show em’ who’s boss!”_

“Ah… you really think so? Something like that?”

_“Mhm~!!”_

“I see… um, the other thing I wanted to ask was… what do you think makes my singing voice sound good?”

_“Oh! That one’s easy! It’s super incredible when you put emotion and passion into your songs! You make verses drip with feeling! You have great range, and you can pack so much punch into your notes, especially longer ones! I almost wish I had a voice like yours, Chihaya-chan!”_

“...”

_“Chihaya-chan?”_

“I… I’m sorry. It’s just… everything you said just now was… the exact opposite of what I went through today.”

_“Hm? What do you mean?”_

“Well… at my recent photoshoot today, they… they dressed me in really embarrassing, revealing things… and they tried to make me look adorable and sexy… it felt so… uncomfortable, Haruka-chan…”

“O-oh! I… I see…!”

“And that wasn’t it, either… when I recorded songs later that day, I just couldn’t get myself into it! I sounded flat and emotionless… but they loved it. They told me it fit me well…”

_“Hmmm… I think… no matter what you do, Chihaya-chan, people are going to love it. You have so much about you that people can like! But… you still need to be yourself, you know? You have to stand up for who you are, and show everyone the REAL Chihaya-chan! I’ve seen it, and… seeing it makes me proud to call you my best friend!”_

“H-Haruka-chan…! But…-”

_“No! Don’t protest it! It’s true! Absolutely true! You’re wonderful, Chihaya-chan! But it’s up to you to show people that! Don’t hide your real identity from the people that need to see it the most! That’s… that’s what being an idol is all about!”_

“... Right. Yes… right! Haruka-chan… thank you…”

_“Don’t worry about it! We’re best friends forever, aren’t we?”_

“Yes! Yes, forever!”

_“Hehe! There’s the Chihaya-chan I remember … I have to go make dinner, but… I’ll call you again right after I’m done, okay?”_

“Okay! Have a nice meal!”

_“Yeah!!!”_

_Click._

Chihaya fell back onto her bed. She stared at the ceiling, just for a moment. Show people the real me, she thought. 

“Haruka-chan… there are some things… that should remain secret.” 

The real her… Chihaya didn’t know if she could do such a thing. She could laugh on TV and sing with passion in albums, but could she genuinely act as herself in front of the public eye? What did that even entail? What if the image she had already created for herself was something completely different than who she was? Haruka claimed she had seen Chihaya for who she really was, but … was that true? Chihaya reflected on this… she was… someone wrought with anxiety, someone hurt by her past and pushed away from her family. She had trouble talking to others, and came off as mature and cool… when she was really just lonely and distanced from everyone. How could Haruka love someone like that? Maybe… Haruka didn’t know Chihaya as well as she thought she did. Chihaya buried her face into her pillows and thought about this possibility. To show Haruka who she really was… that might be the best thing she could do for her, she thought.

_“... Chihayaaaaaa~”_

_No._

_“Chihaaaayaaaa~!”_

_I get it. You don’t need to bother me again._

_“That’s a little mean.”_

_It’s true. Leave me alone._

_“So you’ve made up your mind, then?”_

_… About what…?_

_“You idiot. About the end, of course.”_

_The end?_

_“Not death or anything, obviously. Are you so stupid? Will you ever SEE the WAY an INSPIRATION like you must lead?”_

_Stop it! What do you keep saying?_

_“The PATH that a STUPID, ANXIOUS, DEPRESSED, SAD LITTLE PATHETICEXCUSEOFAWOMANLIKEPUREFILTHANDGARBAGE-”_

_Stop! Shut up! I’m not making any choices! I’m just-_

_“HORRIBLETRASHYBROKENTRAUMATIZEDDISGUSTINGLONERFOOL-”_

_SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!_

_“THEY’RE ALL GOING TO JUDGE YOU, REGARDLESS, KISARAGI, WASTE OF-”_

**“I SAID… SHUT UP, HA** … r… Ha… r-... What…?”

Once again, Chihaya Kisaragi had awoken from a nightmare. It felt much more clear this time, and not all of it faded away immediately. She knew she was being ridiculed. She was the subject of intense mockery, but she had no idea who it was from or why. No- she stopped herself. She wasn’t going to let herself overthink it right now. She made that mistake yesterday already. Today was going to be different, because today was her long awaited break- and day out with her best friend. Worriedly turning her head towards the clock, she sighed in relief when she saw she had actually woken up a few minutes before she set her alarm for. No more late days. Not today. Today would be… amazing, she decided.

She was worried for a moment if she was at the right place. There was certainly more than just one theater around downtown, but Haruka could have only meant this one, right? … She realized she didn’t even need to ask herself this question as she saw the girl she was looking for- standing out like a sore thumb in front of the building. 

‘Haruka…’ She thought, ‘... If you’re going to try to disguise yourself in public, couldn’t you at least drop the bows? Don’t you think that’s a dead giveaway…?’

But still, she smiled, knowing how Haruka would never part with such sacred relics. Haruka was distracted on her phone, probably playing some sort of game. Chihaya used the opportunity to sneak around behind her, and suddenly put her hands over the distracted brunette’s eyes. 

“Guess who~?”

“EEP!” Haruka cried in surprise, fumbling and nearly dropping her phone. She turned around, tapped on her phone, and then looked at Chihaya with a pouty face. “Chihaya-chan! You made me lose my full combo! Now I have to do it again!”

Chihaya burst into laughter. “F-Full combo..? Heeehee, aaha, I have … no idea what you mean, pfft, Ha-Haruka-chan. B-But… the look on your face is, oh dear, ahaha, it’s perfect~!”

Haruka relaxed and then wrapped her arms around Chihaya in a tight squeeze. 

“... It’s nice to see you again, Chihaya-chan.”

Chihaya held her back and whispered the same sentiment, “It’s nice to see you too.”

“...”

“...”

“Um… Haruka-chan~?”

“... Yeeeees~?”

“Why aren’t you letting go …?”

“It’s cooooold, Chihaya-chan. And you’re so warm…”

And with that remark, Chihaya’s face once again bloomed red.

“Hehe, and it’s almost like you’re getting even warmer~! Let’s just stay here forever, ok?”

Chihaya deduced that she was being teased, and part of her was happy to hear that from Haruka again after they had spent so long not seeing each other. “W-Well, Haruka-chan, we don’t… don’t want to miss our movie, of course!”

Haruka detached, still smiling warmly at her friend.

“Mm... You’re right, for now, Chihaya-chan. I’m sure it’ll be warmer in there anyways, especially with you sitting next to me~!”

So in they went, buying their tickets and taking their seats, though not before Chihaya watched Haruka gawk at the candy and spend an eternity choosing her snack. She ended up discovering why- apparently Haruka hates the ads before a movie; Chihaya grew anxious as Haruka complained loudly about them, looking around frantically to make sure no one else in the theater was judging them. It was a pretty quiet showing, though- only 20 or so other people were in a room suited for 100. 

When the lights dimmed and the movie began, Haruka was already finished with her candy, while Chihaya had just started. What’s the point in eating all of it right away? It just seemed that whoever does that ends up unsatisfied for the rest of the time spent sitting there. Chihaya was surprised to see that it was a romance movie- but looking back, she really should have guessed from the title. It seemed pretty cliche; some sailor is inspired to go back out on the sea by a girl he loved… and he wants the girl to come with him. The male lead wasn’t anything special. He looked just like any other romance movie protagonist, really, although Chihaya admitted this wasn’t neccesarily her specialty. The female lead, on the other hand, was strikingly beautiful- so much so that it became apparent that she was supposed to be the main hook for even coming to see the movie. Whenever Chihaya looked over, though, Haruka seemed to be enjoying herself, getting incredibly invested in the movie and becoming excited whenever the woman showed herself on the screen. About halfway through, the first sex scene of the movie landed, and Chihaya couldn’t bear to look at it without turning beet red. She buried her face in Haruka’s shoulder, but she simply petted Chihaya and told her, “It’s okay, it’s okaaay~”.

With time, the movie edged closer to its finale- and it started with the dramatic confession. The sailor’s heart belonged to the sea, his passion and his calling, but… it also belonged to the woman he wanted to stay with. She brought him hope- and told him that he didn’t have to give her up to do what he loved. He could just love her, too. Chihaya wasn’t one for these kinds of emotional reveals, but Haruka seemed to be... tearing up? Unexpectedly, she grabbed Chihaya’s hand out of the blue, still staring ahead at the screen. She was confused at first, but then sat there, stroking Haruka’s hand to help calm her- not even bothering to pay attention to the movie anymore. The emotional little princess next to her squeezed back in response, and when she turned her head, Chihaya could see that she really was crying after all. Haruka came close and rubbed her cheeks against Chihaya’s… making her face a little wet. 

“Chihaya-chan,” she whispered, “... Wouldn’t you love something like that one day?”

“... Eh? Well… I don’t think I could ever fall in love with a man like that- if that’s what you mean … He’d probably end up caring about his boat more than me!” 

Haruka giggled sweetly, and it occurred to Chihaya that this was the first time in ages that she’d heard Haruka’s laugh. “Hehee~!! Maybe so, Chihaya-chan, but… I think love like that can be really beautiful!”

“Sure,” Chihaya chirped, “... If you like the smell of fish~!”

“Ewwwwwwwwww~!! Chihaya-chan… don’t ever become a sailor, ok?”

“Haha, okay, but just for you.”

It took her eyes a moment to adjust to the bright light outside. The sun was still shining, and it had started to warm up after all. It really was the perfect day to be outside. Haruka was still inside, re-applying all of her makeup after that teary ending. Chihaya took this moment to herself to check her phone an- EH?! … She noticed immediately the long list of calls she missed, all from the producer or Kotori. How did this happen…? She would have definitely felt the vibrations against her thigh from so many notifications. As she was about to hit the call button, the realization struck her like a freight train. Just two nights ago, coming home exhausted and not wanting to be bothered to talk to anyone- how could she forget? She never remembered to take her phone off of silent mode _for the last two days?!_ It was true. Every call she had was one she started, and her alarm didn’t go off the morning after, either… she felt like the biggest buffoon on the face of the earth. Embarrassingly, she called Kotori. Her disappointment was much easier to deal with than the producer’s. 

“Okay, Chihaya-chan! I’m all done now! I was thinking we could still go out to ea-” Haruka stopped mid-sentence on her way out of the theater, noticing Chihaya shaking in her boots, phone pressed to her ear.

…

_“Chihaya-san?”_

“Kotori-san, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

_“Nevermind that, Chihaya-san! Where are you? Do we have to cancel for today?”_

“... E-Eh? C-Cancel?”

_“... Oh dear. Chihaya-san… did you remember that you were going to film a commercial today? The one for the children’s station…?”_

Chihaya’s stomach sank. She felt almost ill at those words. 

“F-Film? B-But… I didn’t… I had no idea this was even happening!”

_“Good grief… there must have been some mixup. Producer-san told me that he texted you the details… Ritsuko-san put it on the group planner document, too. Is everything alright, Chihaya-san?”_

“Texts…?”

If the moment of comprehension before was like a train, this was like if all the cars were loaded with plastic explosives. Of course. The texts she neglected from before were important after all. It never crossed her mind in the slightest … No wonder she was so confused the other day, when the producer told her she had songs to record. It must have been in the texts she didn’t even care enough to look at. Suddenly, she wanted to just disappear.

_“... Chihaya-san?”_

“Right… um… Kotori-san, I’m… I’m so sorry, but-”

_“Ah, producer-san is here. He’d like to speak with you.”_

“W-Wait! Kotori-san! I can’t-”

 _“Chihaya-san?”_ called a familiar voice.

Chihaya was filled with dread. She was going to get scolded even harder now.

“... I’m so sorry, producer-san…”

“Chihaya-san, what’s going on with you? Yesterday, you came late and seemed out of it all day. And today, you ignored my calls and didn’t show up at all.”

“... I’m very sorry- It’s just- I never checked the plans… and… my phone was on silent for a while… and…”

“Chihaya-san, you never looked at anything we sent you? And you didn’t think to leave yourself open for any calls?”

“Um… Y-Yes… I’m… I’m so sorry… I just…”

“... Chihaya-san, this kind of behavior… isn’t fit for an idol. You can’t do this when other people are involved. It’s irresponsible, and in some people, would show that they’re not cut out to be idols. You shouldn’t be acting like this.”

Chihaya felt so overwhelmed and embarrassed, like a child getting caught in a lie. But this wasn’t any lie- it was the truth of her personal failure and neglect of her career. She couldn’t handle this kind of verbal lashing at the moment- much less the implication that she’s not fit to be an idol… tears of frustration and shock began welling in her eyes. Haruka approached her and put a hand on her back, but somehow, this only made her emotions more intense. 

“Chihaya-chan, is everything okay…?”

“... Are you with Haruka-san right now? Where are you two? Why are you out with friends at a time like this, Chihaya-san? Did you skip the filming to go be wi-”

“I… I… I ha-have to go, producer-san! I’m sorry!”

_“Ch-Chihaya-san, wait!”_

Chihaya hung up, and her hands swung to her sides, clenching into fists. Everything was going so nice… but then, her dream turned into a nightmare. When Haruka pressed in closer, she pushed her away with a shove, panicking. She turned to face her, and Haruka could see what a mess Chihaya’s face was- tears streaming and a tragic, heartbroken expression stained on her. People were starting to stare, but it didn’t matter. All of her stress over the last few days- no, weeks- was snowballing up and coming down like an avalanche. It truly was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Despite being surrounded by people, Chihaya felt utterly alone.

_“Is this what you wanted to see, Haruka… chan?!”_

“Wh… What…? What are you saying…?” 

Chihaya stared at the floor, sobbing. “You… You ta-talked so much about the ‘real me’, Haruka-chan… well… this is her…! A mess, a failure, and a **disappointment!** The p-producer said… said that I c-can’t be an idol t-this way… and it’s true! I’m not fit to be an idol like this! And this is who I am! It can’t change!”

Before Haruka even had a moment to respond, Chihaya turned and dashed away. 

“W-WAIT, CHIHAYA-CHAN!”

But going after her would be pointless. It would only make things worse right now.

“... I …” she whispered to herself, watching Chihaya disappear. 

“... I still wanted… to be with you…”


	2. Love Blooms in Blue

She had been in this place before; the world that her home turned into when she was sick with despair, blue tainting the walls and a mess of a girl stuck on the floor. Everything was spinning, but it also stuck in place, rotting. Frustration, doubt, and fear were splattered around her, turning pictures into dripping paintings and forcing memories to go sour. Composure only returned in the form of a quick breath at the surface before getting pulled under the frigid waters once more. 

“Last time, this was about someone I loved and secrets blown out to the world. This time… it’s about a few scheduling errors. Why am I getting so upset over nothing?” 

Her breath. 

“... It’s because I’m  **BEING SO SELFISH!** WHY CAN’T I GET OVER MYSELF?!  _ WHY AM I FAILING LIKE THIS?! _ ” 

Her sinking. 

Hours passed. Crying stopped, for she had enough of it. Sharp blues, once filtering in through the gaps and streaking across the walls, were calmed now with sunset reds and oranges. Chihaya had tried to move herself. Food sat on the counter, given up halfway through being prepared. Nothing could come to her right now, and motivation to walk was drained quickly by overthought. Without lights turned on, the home would grow dark soon, but she supposed it didn’t matter much. She would be thankful to close her eyes and let herself drift off. A bag and phone lay cast off on the other side of the room, still silenced- but no doubt teeming with missed calls and texts. Chihaya wasn’t to be reached right now. 

But reach inevitably came regardless. The doorbell buzzed in the perfect way to irritate Chihaya’s headache further. Obviously, she stayed where she was, curled up on the couch and unmoving. 

“Go away…” she called, however meekly.

But her visitor wasn’t one to turn back- and she had shown this before. 

“Chihaya-chan… You probably knew I’d come here, huh…? W-Well, here I am…!”

“...”

“I… I know you probably don’t want to speak to anyone right now, and I understand that…”

“...”

“B-But! You don’t have to speak. That’s okay. I can talk, and I can stay here.”

This was accompanied by the sound of a thump. Chihaya had guessed that Haruka had now planted herself in front of Chihaya’s door, sitting there. To anyone who saw her sitting down, it would probably look like a bad breakup, wouldn’t it? The thought wasn’t enough to make Chihaya smile, however. 

“... Maybe this is a bad habit of mine, Chihaya-chan. I promise I won’t come over and talk to you through your door every time you have a bad day, haha…”

“...”

“But it felt important this time. You’ve gone through so much, Chihaya-chan. And yet, you’re still so strong. You always hang in there and sing to make everybody happy. Everyone at the studio is so proud of you.”

“... _ That’s wrong… _ ” Chihaya whispered to herself.

“When I see you on stage up there, it’s only natural to be amazed. Chihaya-chan, showing her passion… ‘SO COOL!’ … right?”  
“ _No…_ ”, Chihaya continued.

“Miki-chan teases me for it sometimes. She says that I’m your biggest fan. Well… if that were right, it wouldn’t be a bad thing, would it?”

Chihaya shifted.

“How couldn’t I be? I don’t just see you on stage, like your fans do, Chihaya-chan. I see you all the time. And you’re even more amazing then, when I get to talk to you and be with you. Like today…!”

Chihaya rose.

“So… in that case, I guess I’m like the fanclub president! Just wait- one day I’ll have shirts, hats, and mugs with your face on them, yelling to the world, ‘ _ CHIHAYA KISARAGI-CHAN! …  _ **_TOPPU AIDORU!_ ** _ ’ _ , hehehe!” 

Chihaya walked.

“I guess what I’m trying to say, Chihaya-chan, is that I’ll always be here, rooting for you. Chihaya-chan… I- AWAHHH!”

The door swung open, and Haruka fell back on to the floor, under Chihaya. Chihaya was partially covering her face to hide the ugliness of her crying session. She spoke in a low voice.

“Haruka-chan… please come in…” she muttered.

Haruka scrambled to get up and followed Chihaya’s lead into her home. Chihaya returned to her spot on the couch, with Haruka following suit and sitting right next to her. 

“Chihaya-chan…” she said.

“... It’s not true.” Chihaya replied.

“... E-Eh…?”

“All those things you said, Haruka-chan… Everything about me being so ‘amazing’ or whatnot… I just can’t believe it. I feel like there’s some kind of illusion you see when you look at me. As if the me that exists in your mind is fake- fabricated from some kind of set of false ideals. The Chihaya you have… is what you want me to be, but… it’s not who I am.”

“C-Chihaya-chan! No! You’re wrong…! Even if it can be hard to see the parts of you that I love, it doesn’t mean that they’re not there!”

“But they aren’t! I’m not reliable- I have  **stupid** breakdowns like these over nothing! When I get like this, I stop making people happy. I can’t help but stress everyone out… and you even came all the way over here just to try and fix me. I feel awful for doing that to you…”

“I came over here because you’re my best friend and I want to help you be happy. I know you’d do the same thing for me, right?”

Chihaya paused.

“I don’t know, Haruka-chan. I want to. I want to be a good friend to you- and everyone else. But I can’t … I can’t stop letting everyone down. It’s just as the producer said- this behavior isn’t fit for an idol. I’m not fit to be an idol.”

“Chihaya-chan! I-”

“Am I wrong?! Haruka-chan,” Chihaya mustered, tears coming once again, “I can’t stop disappointing people. I’ve been letting my work drain me so much. I’m missing meals, losing sleep, and letting real connections with my friends just slip away. Everything’s been so  _ stressful _ ! Idols are… h-hardworking… determined… they ne- they never stop shining bright on the stage… b-but I’ve... I’ve only been dimming, oh god…!” 

Chihaya began crying with a sort of muted, high-pitched whine. She curled up, face between her knees.

“Chihaya-chan… everyone loves you… counts on you, and roots for you…”

“ _ And I’ve let them all down! _ ” Chihaya shouted, gripping her legs tight.

“You never le-”

“ _ I let down my producer, I let myself down, I let down my friends, I let down everyone that works so hard to help me succeed, I let you down, and… _ **I let down my brother!** ”

Haruka suddenly threw her arms around Chihaya- squeezing her tight. When Haruka’s face brushed against her, Chihaya could feel tears that weren’t her own... Haruka was..?

“Chihaya-chan,” She started, interrupting Chihaya’s thought, “You- you’ve… never let me down! You’ve never…! You’re always there, being you, being amazing, being someone we can believe in! I must look so plain, next to you on the stage like that… even just being there, being there and singing for everyone that wants to hear your voice… it means you haven’t failed!”

“Haruka-chan… what are you-”

“I’ve seen the real you more times than I can count! S-She’s driven, determined, and she’s so  **beautiful** , Chihaya-chan!!! Sometimes, she can be s-stubborn… sometimes, she can get nervous and anxious. Sometimes, it even gets the best of her, and she panics… B-But none of it makes her any less Chihaya! None of it ch-changes how much she means to me, and no matter what, it’s my dream to b-be there with her!”

Haruka began sobbing herself, clutching onto Chihaya tightly. 

“H-Haruka-chan, I… I had no idea…”

“Every- everyone makes m-mistakes, Chihaya-chan… everyone has a bad day. Everyone has slip ups. Everyone … everyone has th-that time where their dreams of being a wonderful idol seem out of reach- and where every other idol feels better than you. P-Producer-san and Kotori-san… have no business making you cry, Chihaya-chan. You’ve always d-done your best, and they know that…! I’ll talk to them! I’ll do it for you… because we’re … we’re just kids, aren’t we?”

“... Are we?”

“We’re kids with the work schedules of adults. But a-any good producer knows that kids can still mess up. You d-didn’t let down anyone. Not me… not the producer… and n-not your brother. I can’t think of a single person in the world who wouldn’t be a-amazed by you. A sixteen year old working as hard as you do, and making everyone so h-happy onstage? You’re an accomplishment, Chihaya-chan… and… as your best friend, I can’t have you t-thinking anything otherwise, can I?”

For a reason she didn’t understand, Chihaya felt compelled to reach up her hand and start stroking the hair of the little brunette latched onto her. She was soft, and petting her felt… right. It comforted her, and her tears came slowly to a halt. Both of their tears.

“Haruka-chan…”

“... Chihaya-chan?”

“... Let’s just stay like this. Let’s just be like this for a little while. Can we do that?”

Haruka nuzzled her face into Chihaya’s chest, holding her close.

“... Yes, please.”

Haruka was the first to wake. It must have been over an hour… at least. When she moved, Chihaya laid there, still, asleep. She must have been exhausted from her emotions. Haruka could turn and look at her properly… and of course, Chihaya had an adorable sleeping face. 

“...  _ It’s going to be ok now, isn’t it? _ ” she whispered to herself, softly. 

She reached for a light switch in the dark, and when it flicked on, Chihaya stirred and arose. 

“... Good morning, sleepyhead.”

Chihaya groaned and stretched, rubbing her eyes and taking in the sight of the messy Haruka in front of her. If Haruka was that disheveled, Chihaya could only imagine how terrible she looked herself.

“Mmmmmgh… It’s… not morning, Haruka-chan…”

“For how long we slept, it might as well be, hehe~!”

“Mmm..? What… what time is it?”

Haruka quickly pulled her phone from her bag, and a shocked expression dawned on her face.

“O-Oh my gosh! It’s already almost 10! It… it really didn’t feel that long…!”

Chihaya was tired and dazed from her crying. Without thinking, she said, “Time stops with you, Haruka-chan.”

Haruka flustered- the first embarrassment Chihaya had seen from her in a while. It was helplessly adorable. 

“W-W-Well… I could say the same, Chihaya-chan, but this is serious! I need to leave really quick if I’m going to be able to catch the last train home!”

Hurriedly, Haruka started arranging things in her bag, patting herself down to double check if she had everything. Chihaya couldn’t even be bothered to get up in her sleepiness. Before leaving, Haruka knelt down and squeezed Chihaya tight, nuzzling her face into Chihaya’s neck. Chihaya could have sworn she felt something, but was too out of it to pinpoint what it was. 

“Chihaya-chan… It’s going to be alright! I promise! I’ll see you soon, and make sure to check your phone! Bye-bye!!”

“Ah… bye, Haruka-chan…”

And like that, Haruka was out of the door. Now, Chihaya could return to sleep. Just… sleep…

You haven’t failed yet, Chihaya. 

Chihaya awoke with a cramp in her neck. Sleeping on the couch in an awkward position will do that to you, she supposed. Her phone was still cast across the room. She rose, massaging her neck, and when she retrieved it, she started to look through all the messages and calls she’d accrued… making sure to turn off silent mode this time. There were messages of worry from Haruka- one in particular saying nothing but “I’m coming over”, so at least Haruka didn’t simply show up to places without warning, really. All of the messages from the producer were just asking her what she was doing, what had been happening in her personal life to spark this- as if Chihaya herself even knew- and one final text asking if he should cancel her next vocal recording session at the studio at… 11? It was already 10. Chihaya thought for a moment… and rushed into her room to change clothes. 

* * *

Mutters could be heard upstairs- indecipherable. People seemed to be arguing, though, and when Chihaya nearly burst through the door, panting from her running, she discovered what all the arguing was about. Standing in the room was a rather flustered-looking producer, Ritsuko, and … Haruka. Yukiho sat on the couch nearby, clamming up from all the ruckus. All eyes turned to Chihaya as she entered. 

“... See! I told you she’d come! I told you it’d be okay!” Haruka said in a scolding tone to the producer- something that was exceptionally rare for her. 

“CHIHAY-” Ritsuko and the producer managed to say in syncrosity, before turning to each other, embarrassed, Ritsuko letting the producer take the lead.

“Chihaya-san, you need to explain everything.”

Before Chihaya could even open her mouth, Haruka planted herself firmly in front of her, almost as if she was shielding her.

“She doesn’t need to explain  _ anything _ ! Isn’t it obvious, Producer-san? She’s stressed! She’s been overwhelmed with work, just like all of us, and it’s taking a toll on her! … We all need breaks sometimes! Even someone like her!”

“Haruka-san, I understand that you’re well intentioned, but the fact is that Chihaya abandoned her duties to the people who were counting on her and caused quite the fuss for all of us.”

“W-Well…!”

Chihaya laid a hand on Haruka’s shoulder. Knowingly, Haruka sighed and took a step back, letting Chihaya properly show herself. 

“Producer-san, I take full responsibility for this all. It was an error in scheduling on my part and mine only. The other day, I came home too tired to bother checking what had been written in for me, and so I never properly documented it and instead thought I was free to relax with a friend I cared about. I didn’t ditch anybody on purpose, but it was still a failing regardless. I’m sorry. If…” She gulped, dreading what she was about to say, but continued on anyways. “If you think I’m not fit for the duties you’re giving me, l… I’ll understand that.”

“CHIHAYA-CHAN!” Haruka nearly shouted. “What… what about the talk we had yesterday? What about all of that? Please… please don’t say something like that!”

“Both of you,” the producer cut in, “... please relax. Chihaya-san… the fact that you’d even say something along those lines… means you have the responsibility to take accountability, and on a higher level, the responsibility to be an idol.” He stopped, weighing the options before him, and then seeming to come to a decision. “I understand that you must have been under a lot of stress recently. After all, ever since your scandal a few months back, I don’t think it’s wrong to say that we’ve been working you to the bone to please your fans. That’s on me. The public has faith in you again, and I think they can afford to not see your face plastered over every magazine and wall advertisement. Ritsuko and I will talk about reducing the time we need you to come in. You’ve certainly earned it- with all your hard work.”

“Mhm! You can count on us, Chihaya-san.” Ritsuko chimed in.

Haruka looked as if she was going to collapse from relief. 

“... Thank goodness…” she groaned, flopping on Chihaya and gripping her arm.

“P-... Producer-san, Ritsuko-san… thank you so much for this opportunity. I promise I won’t let you down again.”

Ritsuko stared blankly, and then laughed to herself.

“Chihaya-san, it’s not an ‘opportunity’. We’re just… getting a better look at what our wonderful idols need to do their best out there. You’re not indebted to us. We’re indebted to you. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for all of you going out there and giving it your all. Let yourself take some time off and relax, okay?”

“R-Right!” Chihaya shot right back. “Yeah… yeah! I’ll do my best!”

“And that’s the end of that, huh? I think we handled it well, eh, producer-san?” Ritsuko said proudly. The producer gave one of his patented nervous smirks and patted Chihaya on the shoulder. 

“... I suppose so, haha. Then, should we get back to work, Ritsuko-san!”

“Of course~!” she said, marching away with the producer, back to their offices and, inevitably, vast piles of paperwork. Chihaya wondered to herself in the aftermath. Take some time off, huh? It was true- her sleep and eating schedules needed a bit of tweaking, but she felt as if she’d simply be more bored than relaxed. Before she had a moment to contemplate it more, Haruka tugged on her sleeve. 

“Chihaya-chan, can we talk? Come outside with me.”

“Y-Yes, of course.” she started, but Haruka was already on her way out. Before she could follow her, Yukiho called to her, still mostly covered by a pillow that she retreated behind during the discussion. 

“Chihaya-san.”

“Huh?”

“C-Chihaya-san, don’t be afraid, okay? I don’t really know what’s going on, but… I have a feeling you probably have a lot on your mind. T-Think about what it is that you really want, and… don’t be afraid to take a big step forward, if you feel that’s what you need. T-That’s all I wanted to tell you. I’m sorry.”

“... That’s nothing to be sorry about, Yukiho-san. Thank you.”

Yukiho simply nodded and let herself slump back into the couch, hugging her pillow tight. Chihaya hoped that the conflict hadn’t upset her too much. She closed the door slowly behind her, and then ran to meet Haruka outside. Haruka was simply sitting on the steps, and smiled up at Chihaya, who quickly took a seat next to her. 

Haruka sighed deeply, taking in the feeling of the warm sun on her shoulders and the wind lightly blowing her hair to the side. She started slowly, apparently trying to pick her words carefully. 

“Chihaya… Please don’t quit being an idol anytime soon…”

Chihaya understood immediately. 

“I’m sorry, Haruka-chan. It was impulsive. I realized that I shouldn’t have said that as soon as I saw your face. Of course I’m not going to quit. I… I don’t want to quit at all. The last few days have filled me with so much doubt. I just wanted to atone for causing everyone so much trouble, if that makes any sense.”

“I get it. But you never cause me any trouble, Chihaya-chan. Even if I cried, I only cried because you’re so important to me. It’s all worth it when I just get to see you smile again, you know?”

“H-Haruka-chan…?” 

When she turned to look at Haruka, it seemed as if she was deep in thought, planning everything out in that little brunette head of hers. 

“I never thought when I met you that you’d become so special. Every part of me wanted to be your friend! To fix your loneliness, to give you a shoulder to lay on- someone to laugh with and go on fun dates with, and just… someone to help you be as beautiful to everyone else as you were to me! I felt a little plain sometimes, watching you be so amazing and all, but I knew that as long as I had a friend like you, it would help me be amazing, too!”

Haruka turned too, and Chihaya found herself studying the bright teal of her eyes intensely. 

“You know, Haruka-chan… the day that we sung together… with the song you wrote… was probably one of the best days of my entire life. You already shine so intensely. I’m just happy I was able to see it.”

Haruka’s smile was so warm, Chihaya thought, and the lip gloss she wore sparkled softly in the light.

“It’s so important to me- being able to be here with you like this. Lately, everyone has felt so distant. But getting to see you again, and have a fun day together, even for a little bit, took a lot of that worry away. I wish… I could see you that happy every day I’m with you, Chihaya-chan…”

Chihaya’s words came without even thinking.

“... Maybe you will.”

“...”

“...”

Haruka mouthed words that she likely didn’t even know she was making.

Not that Chihaya was ever good at reading lips, of course. 

When Haruka gripped onto Chihaya and held her, it was surprising how much she was shaking. Haruka wasn’t one to get nervous so easily. The least Chihaya could do was pet her and alleviate her worries. Haruka was so close and so warm. 

“Hey, Haruka-chan, it’s alright. We’re going to be okay. I’m sorry for worrying you like this.”  
“No, no, it’s nothing like that. It’s just… I’ve never done anything like this before… but I want to.”

“Hm? Want to wha-”

Chihaya got her answer right away when Haruka leaned into her and pressed their lips firmly together. It didn’t matter that it was out in the open, where they might be seen. It didn’t matter that they were both idols, and it went against their expectations. From Haruka’s standpoint, it must have just been something she had to do. Chihaya was too caught up in the moment to process anything. The sensations of it all had eluded her in shock. Haruka pulled back, only for a moment, to stare into Chihaya’s eyes and admire her, before coming back and kissing her once more. When they finally parted, Chihaya’s mind was, predictably, swirling around in circles.

“Wh… Wha…?”

“I… I wanted to do that for so long, Chihaya-chan…”

Chihaya touched a finger to her lips, still in a daze.

“… Huh…?”

“When I think about you, my heart runs so fast I can’t control it, and everything seems so warm and fuzzy, like a dream, and-”

“H-Haruka-chan… you… k-kissed me…”

“... E-Eh…? C-Chihaya-chan… was… was that okay...?”

“Uh… U-Uh… I… I don’t…”

“I… I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make you… um… I mean, I just thought…”

“...”

“It’s- it’s just that we’ve been so close for so long, umm… I…”

“... I… I think…”

“O-Oh?”

“I think… I should… get home and rest… like Producer-san said…”

“... Oh. R-Right… Right. I’ll… I’ll call you a taxi, Chihaya-chan…”

“Thank you, Haruka-chan…”

The time spent on the steps in silence was filled with dread and uncertainty. Neither of them dared to speak a word to the other like this, and so they sat like statues, five feet apart, staring ahead. Haruka occasionally glanced over, fear and worry staining her eyes, trying to understand what was going on in Chihaya’s mind. Chihaya, however, simply gazed forward, unmoving and sollum. When her taxi finally arrived, she simply rose and walked to it wordlessly, and as the door closed and Chihaya sped away, Haruka felt- for the first time in a very long time- regret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haruka and Chihaya kissed! But... was that kiss a mistake? Find out next chapter!


	3. Two Weights With One Rope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry this one took so long. You all know how it's been lately. You know. I won't date this chapter any further by talking about current events, so just read and enjoy!

Chihaya stared at the ceiling, gripping her pillow tight as her heart threatened to burst out of her chest. The clock seemed to be ticking twice as fast as usual, and the sound of airplanes outside fueled a hidden wish in her to fly away from it all. She wondered and asked herself question after question. Everything finally looked like it was about to calm down, so why…? Why was her face flushed- but her expression stiff? Why was her heart beating like this? Why… did her best friend kiss her? She tried to make sense of it all, but nothing could come to her. She thought back to Yukiho’s words. Had she correctly guessed Haruka’s feelings before Chihaya herself? How disconnected did Chihaya have to be to not see it? 

Haruka was… in love with Chihaya, wasn’t she?

In the moments after she was kissed, her grip on her emotions had left her. It felt like the only thing she could do was run away. Now that she was home again, everything collapsed back on her. The sensation of those feelings was assaulting her, and yet… she didn’t even know if she loved Haruka too. She sat up, thinking aloud to herself in the loneliness of her apartment. 

“What… would Makoto-san tell me right now? She seems to know love much better than I do. How would she handle this?”

“ … ‘Chihaya-san, you have to be direct with her! These kinds of things can’t go unaddressed for too long- imagine how Haruka-san must be feeling right now!’” She said, trying to impersonate Makoto to herself.

“W-Well, yes, but… I wouldn’t know what to tell her! She kissed me, and I just up and left! It feels like everything’s been out of my control lately, Makoto-san.”

“‘But that’s not true. You’re the only one who controls your destiny. When I first became close to Yukiho-chan, I felt so overwhelmed, like a paper swan caught in a hurricane… but it didn’t take long to find the eye in the center. The place where I knew I had to make decisions- and you have to find that place too. But it’ll never come if you don’t talk to her.’”

She whined, kicking her feet back and forth. That’s unfair, Makoto-san...

“... With all that’s happened, can I really do it? Just the other day, I almost wanted to quit being an idol! Now I’m faced with… my best friend falling in love with me. It almost feels even more crushing than losing my career, not to mention that if I went through with this, I probably  _ would  _ lose my career! Then Haruka and I would break up, and just like that I’d have… nothing. Haruka is… everything to me, Makoto-san. And…”

She could see the knowing smile on Makoto’s imaginary face.

“... And that’s why I have to talk to her, isn’t it…? Makoto-san, you’re the worst.”

The fake Makoto in her head vanished with a wink and finger pistol. That’s so like her. Today, Chihaya would rest. She’d rest, and contemplate the feeling of… being loved. But tomorrow…

“Haruka-chan, are you free tomorrow? I really want to be with you. Can we go and get lunch together?”

When she clicked “send”, her heart already felt warmer… although still quite empty. 

When they met up, it was at a quaint little brunch restaurant. The afternoon was still young, and so brunch was perfectly acceptable. She wore a dress shirt with a normal pair of jeans- looking nice while still being quite comfy to move around in. When Haruka arrived, she had on a cute pink denim jacket Chihaya hadn’t seen before, complete with a short blue skirt and blouse. It was… painfully adorable. Haruka didn’t hug her, which was understandable given the situation… but it was still odd. Haruka seemed so solemn and grim. It wasn’t like her. 

“... I’m glad you came, Haruka-chan.”

“Y-Yeah. Can we go in?”

“Right, right.”

They were quickly seated at a table and ordered their drinks. Even though they had been out together countless times, this time felt like the very first- before they knew each other well enough to be able to actually maintain normal conversations. But yet, even then, Haruka was much more outgoing. 

“... Do you know what you’re going to get?”

“Um… I’m not sure. I haven’t eaten yet today, so I’m probably going to get something a bit bigger. What about you, Chihaya-chan?

“I’ll do the same. I usually try to at least get  _ something  _ in me before I head out, but…”

“But it’s been a rushed morning?”

Correct as always.

“Er… Yeah…”

Even if things were awkward, Haruka still knew Chihaya perfectly. The waitress returned, and they both hastily placed an order without thinking about it too much. Haruka ordered a rather generous plate of curry, and Chihaya decided upon a vegetable soup with a salad. Anything was fine, after all. When their menus were taken and they had a moment alone, it was Chihaya who first spoke, for once.

“I guess… there’s not really an elegant way to approach all this. You… you didn’t deserve to be bailed on like that yesterday, Haruka-chan… I just…”

“Chihaya-chan. It’s okay. I understand. You don’t have to tell me. I get it.”

“N-No, I  _ want  _ to tell you! I won't have things unspoken between us. We’ve agreed to stop doing that. I don’t want that.”

Haruka paused for a moment, and then nodded, apparently seeming to brace herself. 

“I… I lost touch with myself then. I wasn’t able to absorb all that. Ever since it happened, I’ve sort of locked it away, not letting myself think about it or dwell on it for too long. I didn’t… I didn’t dislike what you did, you know. I just… don’t know how much I liked it, either. I wanted to sort that out with you today. I knew, somehow, that I couldn’t leave all of this alone. I had to be with you, to be close to you and talk to you.”

Haruka looked shocked, as if she wasn’t expecting any of that. 

“I thought I had made a terrible mistake, Chihaya-chan. I thought that I had misread some of the things you’ve said to me or the things we’ve done together. I mean- anyone who knows me would know that there’s no one I’d rather be with than… y-you.”

“W-Well, I must admit I can be pretty oblivious to things like that. I mean, I only found out about Makoto-san and Yukiho-san a few days ago, and I didn’t even think that it was possible for two gir-”

“Wait, Makoto-san and Yukiho-san are  _ dating _ ?!”

Shit. She had let her mouth slip. Yukiho told her not to tell anyone- so what should she d-

“I KNEW it! Miki-chan and I were talking all about it! I told her- Azusa-san and Takane-san, too! I knew it had to be real! I mean, look at them!”

… So  _ that’s  _ who had been planting those ideas in Miki’s head. 

“I won’t tell anyone, I swear! I know Yukiho-san can be really, really shy when it comes to stuff like that! But… ah, I’m still so happy to learn that, Chihaya-chan. I’m glad they finally worked it out. They’ve been doing a really good job of hiding it from Producer-sama, though. I don’t think he even suspects a thing- which is for the best, probably. I m-mean, they might be in trouble if word got out, y’know?”

“Yes, I s-suppose you’re right… but…”

“Hm~?”

“I’ve… I mean, I’ve never thought about romance like that before… when I was a child, I ‘dated’ another kid at my school, but it was only for a week, and we never even held hands, and…”

“You don’t have to worry about that! I mean, I’ve never dated anyone either! But… it still just feels right. All you have to do is what comes naturally. Don’t worry about messing up- just follow what you want! It’ll all work out- like it is now! I was so scared last night, but… texting you and talking made a lot of that worry flow away. Nervous as I was when I came here, I already feel great. I guess you just have that effect on me, Chihaya-chan.”

Well, in any case, it felt good to see Haruka back to her normal self now. 

“I guess that’s good advice, but I… still don’t even know what it is I want.”

“That’s okay. We’ll figure it out as we go!”

“R-Right…”

Chihaya stayed silent, mulling over her emotions, and trying to unpack that safe she had locked inside her chest. Their food came, and Haruka dug in, as cute and dramatic about her meal as she was about most everything else. Chihaya slowly sipped her soup, thinking to herself about everything. Chihaya had always felt that Haruka was the outgoing model she needed in her life to take her by the hand and help her come out of her comfort zone. 

‘ _ If it wasn’t for Haruka-chan,’  _ Chihaya pondered to herself… _ ‘I might not be close with any of the other idols. And yet, now they’re all my dear and close friends. Especially Haruka. She’s... _ ’

“Um… Chihaya-chan… this… this  **_is_ ** a d-date, right?”

Chihaya nearly spilled her soup on her lap, hearing that.

“E-Eh?! H-Haruka-chan, what do you mean by t-that?”

“Ah, I’m sorry! I just, um… I didn’t want to get the wrong impression again! I don’t want to say or do something to make you uncomfortable again, s-so…”

Chihaya didn’t know if that was a fair question to ask- especially when she could barely get a handle on what she really wanted. Haruka was… frankly perfect, but…

“Do… do we have to call it something right now?”

“... Hm? What do you mean?”

It was such an impossible thing to voice, but she still had to try.

“I… don’t want things to change right now. I don’t want to throw myself into another emotional spiral, Haruka-chan. I want to be close to you, but… that’s all I know right now.”

At that, Haruka’s shoulders seemed to slump a bit, but she still held a smile on her face.

“Alright. I think I know what you mean. That’s totally alright, Chihaya-chan. I’m happy I can be with you right now too.”

Hearing that made her blush. Even if she wanted to ignore it, all of Haruka’s words right now felt so… romantic. Were some of the things she said before the same? Chihaya didn’t know. Were things really resolved? Just yesterday, they had kissed each other, and Chihaya sped away in a taxi, but… only after half an hour together had Haruka seemed to completely move on. Was that because she still believed Chihaya had returned her feelings, and they simply had a misunderstanding? It wasn’t just that. She wanted to speak- to ask questions and probe everything, and yet, they only managed idle banter for the rest of their lunch together. Before Chihaya knew it, she was standing outside again, still in emotional confusion.

“I’m not really doing anything for the rest of the day, but tomorrow, I have a big commercial filming with Miki-chan. I need to get home and work on memorizing my lines. With everything that’s happened… it kinda slipped my mind, you know?”

“Y-Yeah. I don’t know how I’m going to spend my day. With Producer-san cancelling all my plans, I’m left in the dark about what I should be doing.”

Haruka stared at her, as if she had a question deep in her mind. They stayed like that for a moment, saying nothing, until Chihaya said that same question herself- without even realizing it.

“... Can…”

Haruka really was adorable today. 

“Can I come over to your place, Haruka-chan…?”

And she was wearing quite a lot of makeup. Perhaps she just wanted to show off.

“... Yes. Yes, of course you can, Chihaya-chan.”

* * *

“... and that’s  _ my  _ C overgirl look!”

“...”

“... Um… so, what do you think, Chihaya-chan?”

“Hm?”

“... About my reading of the lines. How’s the way I said it?”

“Oh! Oh, it’s fine. Um… you should put a little more energy into… the third line.”

“You mean the, ‘That’s only the first part about going out!’ line?”

“Yeah. You’re supposed to be excited to put on the makeup, right?”

“... R-Right! Yeah, you’re totally right. Okay, let me try it again.”

Haruka sat on the couch with Chihaya, rehearsing her lines over and over again, but yet… Chihaya could barely focus on the actual words. Haruka was so dramatic and cute, especially as prettied up as she was right now. Chihaya noticed every bit of it- the eyeliner she chose, the blush she put on, and the soft shade of lipstick she had that looked perfectly natural for her. Seeing that made her feel like at least one of the chains around her heart had just clattered to the floor. Being close to Haruka comforted her, in a way.

“Was that better this time?”

“Mmm… yeah…”

“... Are you alright, Chihaya-chan? You seem a bit out of it.”

“... Is that so?”

Chihaya leaned closer, inspecting Haruka’s makeup further.

“A-Ah… you’re… you’re really close…”

This was an impulse. It was unfounded, but she needed it to sate her curiosity.

“Haruka-chan, I…”

“Y-yes…?”

“I want to learn what I need. What I need from all this…”

“... I want to help you learn that too, Chihaya-chan. I don’t want to see you hurt or scared.”

“So… for right now… just…”

“Just…?”

“Just… let  _ me  _ do it this time. For a little bit, can you help indulge me, Haruka-chan?”

Haruka froze, her face radiating red. Chihaya’s heart was beating strong, even if Chihaya herself didn’t know it or feel it.

“O-Okay… you can… do whatever you like, Ch-Chihaya-chan.”

Haruka’s eyes fluttered shut. This time, with her bearings about her and able to fully appreciate it, Chihaya pressed in and kissed Haruka gingerly. Kissing her best friend like this… now that she was rooted enough to really understand it, it felt… so warm.

“Mmm- ah, Chihaya-chan…” Haruka muttered when Chihaya’s lips left hers.

“I… wanted to know what kissing another girl myself felt like… I wanted to know what kissing  _ you  _ felt like.”

“... Chihaya-chan, do you… want to be… my...?”

“... I still don’t know. I don’t know if I like girls, Haruka-chan. I don’t know if I like  _ anyone _ _!_ I don’t know if I would ever want to be girlfriends with someone… but… I think things like this can help me find that out.”

“W-Well, then… I guess it’s not my place to stop you, huh~?”

“Mmm, I suppose not.”

Chihaya returned to her kiss, no doubt smudging up the lipstick Haruka had likely applied so carefully. Haruka’s hands laced themselves around Chihaya’s waist, pulling her closer. Too close, in fact, and Chihaya fell forward, pushing Haruka down onto the couch and finding herself on top of her. She thought she should be embarrassed like that, but astonishingly, she didn’t much mind at all. Still though, Haruka looked up at her with admiring eyes. 

“I’m… in love with you, Chihaya-chan…”

Chihaya couldn’t repeat that back right now, but hearing Haruka say it so plainly gave her an indescribably wonderful feeling.

“Do… do you like the way I kiss you, Haruka-chan?”

“Mhmm. You smell so nice and your lips are so sweet… so… kiss me more, please.”

Haruka’s hair was so soft in her fingers, just like all the times she had petted her before, only much more intense now. Was this wrong to do? Was it against the spirit of being an idol? Even so, leaning back down and thinking about it… kissing Haruka really did feel good. 

* * *

“...haya-san?”

Chihaya touched her fingers to her lips, remembering what she had felt the day prior. 

“Chihaya-san!”

Pulled back into the moment, she turned and saw Ritsuko. When did she get there?

“Are you listening to me?”

“S-Sorry, Ritsuko-san. I seem to have spaced out.”

“Geez. I said- ‘Why are you here today, Chihaya-san?’... I thought Producer-san and I gave you the week off. Did Kotori-san give you something on the side without telling us?”

“Oh! I don’t have anything scheduled, but I just wanted to accompany Haruka-chan here. She’s really nervous about the shoot later.”

“Ah, the commercial filming? That’s nice of you. But… seeing you like that, I can’t help but think that you should be at home right now.”

“I’m fine, really. If anything, staying at home right now would just end up in me lazing around. I need to be going out and making sure I enjoy myself. I don’t want to come back in and look as if I had holed myself up in a cave all week.”

“Hmm… well, if you say so. It’s my job to worry about you, you know.”

“And we all appreciate it, Ritsuko-san. We couldn’t do it without you.”

Ritsuko blushed and pushed up her glasses.

“B-But of course! If I don’t take care of you all, who would?”

And with that, she marched off. Chihaya couldn’t tell if she was flustered or proud. Probably both, knowing her. Chihaya returned to her daydreaming, and time flew by. Other idols came and passed, but she paid them no heed. How could she, after having a day like that? Haruka’s kisses stuck on her lips, and she couldn’t push away the feeling of them. She remembered every way that Haruka’s hands traced over her back, and just how soft her hair was to play with. She let herself fall back onto the couch, gripping tightly onto one of the pillows and trying to cover her blush with it. She felt terribly warm… just like how Haruka made her feel when they held each other.

_ “Was it worth it?” _

_ … _

_ “Come on now. Haven’t I done enough for you? You don’t need to give me the silent treatment like that.” _

_ Just shut up. _

_ “What are you doing? Pushing back the inevitable? Kissing away your problems? Leaving everything unaddressed just for 30 minutes of embraces and kisses doesn’t seem very responsible. _

_ I don’t care about what you say anymore. Just let me have this for now. _

_ “For how long? How long until you’re forced to admit it to yourself- and then all your secrets spill out? Those two other idols… they’re pretty good at hiding it, but is that what you want? You wouldn’t be able to bear it, would you? Poor, weak thing you are.” _

_ I’m not weak! I’m here now because I’m strong enough for it! _

_ “What happened to your naive little promise to not keep secrets? You’re betraying all of them. You might as well just walk out of the studio at this point. You pushed back that choice for too long, and now you have to deal with the consequences, Chihaya!” _

_ You don’t know  **anything** about me! Leave me alone! I can have both! I’ll manage it- for my friends and… for Haruka! _

_ “They’re going to FIRE you once they learn what a DIRTY LESBIAN you are, Chihaya! Kisaragi-san, the freak who broke the rules of being an idol- and with another woman, no less! Unnatural Kisaragi-san! Disgusting Kisaragi-san! Kisaragi-san! Kisaragi-san!” _

_ Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up! _

“Kisaragi-san?”

“ **WON’T YOU SHUT IT ALREA-** ” Chihaya yelled, shoving in front of her… and pushing Takane to the floor. “... A...Ah?!”

“O-Ow!” Takane yelped, rubbing her back and straining.

Chihaya in horror realized what she did.

“Sh...Shijou-san?! I… I’m so sorry! I d-didn’t mean to, I swear!”

Takane looked up at Chihaya, eyes wide. It was an expression especially rare for someone like her.

“Kisaragi-san…” she began, shaking her head and her face returning to normal, “you… seemed to be rife with restlessness. It concerned me, so I woke you. It’s okay. You didn’t mean it, I’m sure of that.”

Chihaya’s hands still shook.

“I… I’m so… I’m s-sorry. I’m so sorry, Sh-Shijou-san…”

Takane’s brow furrowed and she rose, coming over and sitting down on the couch next to Chihaya.

“What’s troubling you, Kisaragi-san? Nightmares are rarely unfounded. If there are problems arising within you, that’s cause for worry, isn’t it?”

A hand came onto Chihaya’s shoulder. Takane smiled warmly, as if to reassure her. Chihaya wondered if she could really talk to her about that at all. Takane was always so mysterious… but she seemed to actually care for all the other idols quite a lot. 

“... I…”

“It’s alright. You can take your time. We have much of it, after all.”

“... You won’t tell anyone?”

“Not a soul in the world.”

“Um…”

Takane stroked her ever so gently. 

“The… the other day… I… um… at H-Haruka-chan’s home…”

Without warning, her head suddenly pounded. She remembered that voice in her dream, just for a split second. ' _ Disgusting… lesbian…' _

“AH!” Chihaya cried out, putting her hand to her forehead- her stomach suddenly feeling ill.

“K-Kisaragi-san?”

When Chihaya looked over to Takane… all she felt was fear. Fear of… being disgusting. She recoiled from her touch, jumping up and rising from the couch quickly.

“I-I-I…  **I have to go see Haruka-chan!** G-Goodbye!”

“Wait! Don’t go so soon!”

Chihaya dashed from the room, sweat dripping from her forehead. Takane reached out for her, but it was too late. Her hand lingered in the air for a moment before she dropped it back down onto her lap, sighing.

“... Amami-san, hm? I wonder…?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like things are only getting tenser for Chihaya. Work or love? What will she choose?


End file.
